I’m not sure when…. or, if…. it’s ever going to feel “normal” for the twins to be at school and for me to be without them during the day. I am not a fan of this change. (Can we have a Monday pity party for all the moms and dads still struggling with new school changes?) 😭Call me selfish, but I want them with me and there are no words for the way I miss them during the day. When it’s time for college- I WILL DIE. DEAD. DEATH. It’ll happen people, Shane will need a new wife.
So many times I’ve wanted to write to tell you all how school is going for them and how I’m doing, but the truth is, I AM still learning to adjust. For six years I’ve had two people in tow to care for and now, it’s just me for a good part of the day. I threw away my lunch for about two weeks straight. I would walk from room to room not wanting to move any of their stuff without them around. One day I didn’t even hear my own voice from the morning until I called my mom at 2:00 on my way to pick them up, and that was a strange realization to me. I’ve not had the words to write about how I feel until now. My feelings have been too raw and selfish. To be honest, I just couldn’t. I was sad. I was sad even though people said “count your blessings, they are doing great!” Sad even though I knew it had to happen. Sad even though it was “normal.” Sad even though kids went to school every single day. Sad through the pep talks of others. Sad even though I knew it needed to happen and it was time. Sad through my prayers and even as I sat in the pickup line about to see them. I was sad too, despite the fact that I told myself to be so thankful & joyful because SO MANY kids don’t get to go to school, and I’m sure those mommies would give anything to be in my sad shoes. But still, I was sad. And I couldn’t write about it because it hurt. I also struggled to share it because I thought the hurt was minor compared to the hurt of others. My hurt was less in comparison so it was somehow unworthy of sharing.
But this is real, and it’s what I’ve been facing. Getting to have them in the first place was such a challenge that letting them go a little has been hard for me to accept. I’m learning though, to adjust. I spend a lot of my days volunteering at their school for part of the morning and those days do go by quickly, I like those days. Plus I get to be a hover mother and creep around some. 😉 I have 2.6 million projects started and about 4 of them are finished. I am learning to be a better mommy photographer and have discovered that I love to write! I visit Lowe’s regularly and help them out, unbeknownst to them. I recently organized all of their paint chips in the Sherwin Williams paint section. (Ya’ll are welcome for my free labor, but you do need to restock a few of those chips.👌🏻)
But then there are days like today…..MONDAY. Monday is a stupid day. And… I had to go get my hair done alone. ALONE! It’s been SIX years since I’ve gotten my hair done alone. I miss my little people! People said “Oh the days will just fly by!” No! They lie! The days creep by and then I have this awkward time period from like 1:00 on where I feel like I can’t do anything because I have to leave in forty-five minutes to an hour to go get them and “ya know, can’t start anything in that amount of time.” 🙄
The first few weeks when people would ask me how I was doing it would bring me to tears. Now I can honestly say “I’m okay.” Maybe even “good.” And I am! Last week I didn’t cry even once! 🙌🏻 While it is truly bittersweet and yes, painful to watch your babies grow up, it’s a tremendous blessing. And I’m thankful that I get to do it even when it hurts. So I just pray. I pray God’s blessing on them and protection over them. I pray for peace and sanity for my mommy mind. I pray for the future. I will continue to pray and it will carry us through.
On another note, I am happy to tell you, that they LOOOOOOVE school. They love their teachers and their friends! They love to learn! They love going to special class, recess, and lunch. They give me play-by-play as soon as they get in the car, both so very excited that they talk over each other and we have to take turns talking. They are thriving! My daughter has learned little boys think she’s pretty 😱😭 and my son and his best bud think it’s awesome to chase “all the girls” on the playground (someone please bring me a 🚬 I’m dying here) kidding… sort of… maybe just an e-cig or something. But for real, they love it so much. And I love it for them! I’m so happy they are happy! I can’t imagine if they hated it. I knew they’d love it, I did. I expected nothing less.
I know many parents who feel much the way I do and that aren’t as expressive about it. I also know it’s OKAY that I’ve felt this way and that it’s normal for me to not love the new “normal.” Change is not always easy and I’m still learning daily to adapt to this one. And maybe, some momma or daddy reading this is feeling the same way and will know that their hurt is also okay. And that it just means they love that baby a whole big lot and the thoughts of letting go is just a little more than they can bear. But that’s okay too, it’s okay. We are going to be okay. Go sort some paint chips, it’s free. 😊